Sparky.

 

I have a caged beautiful budgie white in colour with a patch of blue on its neck at home. It has 2 wings like any other bird, but is of limited use now. I wasn't home when the budgie was bought , else would have surely objected in his (my younger brother's) decision to get a pet bird. Why would someone want to take away the freedom of any other living being? I have asked this question to my younger brother who "owns" the bird. His reply was fast-  "if I decided not to buy the bird, it would have been in the same cage but in a different location, does that make any difference to the bird?". Well! I have answer to that question but chose not to reply since a long answer from me would make no change to his stubborn going-to-enter- teenage-soon thoughts. Our neighbour bought my brother 2 more budgies . Again! I didn't understand why would someone gift the control of freedom of 2 little birds to someone else. I haven't smiled whole heartedly at that uncle after thay day. I gave him a half-hearted smile. Must have looked a bit weird I guess. My brother was surely happy and I was a little bit relieved that at least the bird now has company . That makes 1 white , 1 blue and 1 green bird in a blue cage. My brother named them Sparky, Blue and Lemon respectively.  As years passed the birds grew older . One day when my brother was going to school and when the birds where left open for  limited exercise for their wings - Blue flew away to the terrace window and then to the sky! Finally 1 out of 3 got freedom without any struggle ,non violence or war . 2 little birds again were put in cage immediately as the situation was declared "emergency" by my dear brother. My brother may seem like a villian of this story but to be honest he loved all three of them dearly and would take care of them very well. He was very sad when blue left home and remained sad for days. He was very young to understand the importance of freedom . Again years passed by and the 2 birds grew up with my brother. Lemon died of a disease which we still have no idea about. Sparky was alone again. I decided to spend little time looking at him. A ladder and mirror was introduced in the cage a day before and Sparky chirped excitedly upon seeing a new twin white bird opposite to him in the cage . He would look into the mirror and make loud noises and try to peck the mirror image. I looked at all the little things he did to make himself busy.  Life would have been different if he (or his mother or his grand mother or may be his great grand mother ) was not caught by the evil money minded people from his home- the vast green Australian forest! He would have been flying with his large group of friends from tree to tree and having fun. I kept wondering what sparky's thoughts were. Sparky was like any other talented person who don't get to use their talent and gets stuck in a place which has nothing to do with his/her talent or interest. Birds and humans feel caged though in the latter case - it's just caged emotionally.  Sparky spends days and nights in the same place with us . It's night here now and my brother has put a cloth over the cage to cover him, to let him sleep and we played the online game "Among us" during the lockdown days. Lockdown has made us all equally caged! I hope my brother now gets a feeling of being "caged" and let sparky live his last few years in nature's colour changing, never ending, flattened, higly powered RGB LED - the beautiful sky!

Equalizing life-ingly ,
An.

Escaping Emotions.

Is it really that hard to find a genuine person ? I am finding it hard to find that tiny bit of genuineness in people as I grow older. People fake emotions. Faking conversation was like a usual story  but adding  fake emotion to their beautiful real emotion is new to me. I have always tried to surround myself with people with real-ness and truthful-ness in them.  The funny part of the story of my life is some people think I trust them completely that I fail to realise the real emotions from the fake ones. I can't generalise maybe.. I did have friends who were genuine but time kept adding fakeness in them little by little . So , technically the real culprit is time.

 I wouldn't call myself 100% real, but I might be the real-est person I know since I find it really hard to hide and fake my emotions from me (excluding babies obviously).Maybe that's the case with everyone else too. People reserve the real part of them for themselves and not anybody else. They just encrypt it in such a manner that the only key that exist  is a private one. Complex humans and their even more complex emotions!. I have noticed a character in people --they find it difficult to praise someone who share the same qualities as them but easily accept someone with qualities they know they don't possess. Hence they fake that smile and  words of acceptance.  People listen so that they get a chance to speak at the end of it. Information overload has made everyone a know-it-all. Earlier ears were used more than tongue and now it's the reverse . We just fake to listen when what we want in real is to speak . Now instead of seeking genuineness in people what I try to do is to weigh the realness with fakeness in a person  and then when the former weighs more , I call them my friend. Who said learning mathematics was a waste of time! It truly helps now.

Keeping it real-ingly
An.

मृगतृषा

कभी गहराईयों में झांककर देखी नहीं खुद को,

जो लोग कहते, वही मान लेती थी खुद को।

जो हूँ वो और जो न हूँ, वो भी...

यूँ ही चला वक़्त हमेशा की तरह,

इंतज़ार न करते हुए किसी के...

वक़्त को कुछ वक़्त दिया तो,

ले आया वो मुझे खुद से, खुद के करीब।

समझने लगी खुद को, खुद की नज़र से अब,

उन गहराईयों में झांककर देखने लगी तब से...

जो भी थी मैं सबकी नज़रों में,

थी ही न मैं वो – शायद।

मेरी हँसी में छुपा दर्द न समझ पाए वो,

मेरे आँसू में भरी ख़ुशी ना समझ पाए वो।

शायद गलत थे नहीं कोई...

मैंने जो दिखाया, वही सच समझे वो।

जो गहरे थे, कह न पाई मैं कभी...

ना ही खुद समझ पाए वो कभी...

Mirage-ify-ingly,

An.

Beautiful minds

Schizophrenia.. the spelling of the word itself is complicated. When your mind works more than it should ,  when u see and hear what others don't, when others laugh at your fears and when your fears fear you more - you are schizophrenic .  It isn't easy for the person to deal with and for sure the people taking care of them would experience less and go through less than what the person goes through every minute and still they complain. I wonder what they wish to do with the amount of patience they saved by not showing it to such people. I do not know what is the cause of the condition . loneliness ? may be or may be not. I have seen them from a very short distance, been with them, heard them talk about their life and constant fear of being killed. I could do nothing.. just see them suffer and be sad about them, didn't know what to do to ease their pain then. I always feel I could have done so much more . Doctors do have a limit which I wish they didn't have. God could have created them like real magicians, with the power to heal everything. A schizophrenic person does not sleep peacefully like us, cant focus on something for long ,they don't feel hungry.  The constant fear of people trying to kill them, makes them feel the food given to them is poisoned. They live in constant fear. The fear is because they want to live, a positive sign ...but as the stage worsens suicide starts attracting them and then to end all the suffering they choose death over life.

 The only emotion I had for people who choose suicide was anger but it pains me now. The thoughts , tears and flooded mixed emotions  the person might have had  before taking such a drastic step pains me. I keep thinking what thoughts they might have had which made them numb about the pain they would pass on to their loved ones after their death. Do they think everything would turn back to normal for them after few months or a year? or do they not have the space for such thought because of their pain? .But I would hate to judge them now because only they know what they have gone through. Why was the love some had for them not enough to keep them alive? .I don't think suicide should be the step a person should even think of. It is the most selfish and inconsiderate decision. What if their pain doesn't vanish after their death?. Who knows! I haven't died before, neither did that person. Let's just face life and pull ourselves with the fuel of love some people have for us. If there is no one to love, show some kindness  and love yourself, spread love. If you don't want to live the life you are living right now, start living it for someone else, help as much as you can , be the most kindest person you can be. You will then slowly start living with the satisfaction you never had before. Satisfaction -which will surely keep you alive. Helping someone isn't something you are doing for others. We are born selfish and we help out of selfishness to feel good and that feeling is addictive . Someday I would want to be such an addict. Keep living . Being alive is a blessing some people are fighting and struggling hard to be. Let's live till life decides to move out of us. Let us not be the one to decide. Since we had no role in deciding our birth, what right do we have to choose death?. Just live and enjoy the uncertainty life brings with it. There is light at the end of every tunnel and remember..... like some great person rightly said.. this time too shall pass.

Love-Ingly ,

An.

Thoughts..

When days remain the same from a.m to p.m , thoughts make me feel a tiny bit different everyday. Thank God they keep changing. Thoughts helps in moving ahead in life but some of them might even take life out of you. I would love being someone's first thought when they need help but would hate being someone's last thought or hope . This being one of my most feared thoughts. I would hate being someone's last hope and then end up not being able to help them in a way they want me to. These moments of truth brings out the just-human-ish true image which is wrapped around a superhero image we have of us.
There are few thoughts which found its comfortable space in my tangled thread of thoughts . What if there is no tomorrow to fix all the problems that I have kept to resolve later on? .....What if I don't get to go places I have always wanted to ?. What if I don't get to meet people I wanted to meet someday?. What if I dont get to do things I have always dreamed of doing? .These almost rhyme-d thoughts  keeps me awake for few minutes some nights...Just for few minutes ..then music or sound of movies gives me space to keep these thoughts outside before I enter in their magical world and then to my own magical world of dreams. The transition is beautiful , just the beginning is a bit too real and hence difficult to handle. Thoughts.. they are a part of you .If they move away from your control , they might even leave you forever. Keep them close..

Thinking out loud-ingly,
An.

Dreams...

Researchers are yet to find out why and how dreams can be so random. Some suggest that dreams are simply stories we direct and play out with the help of our subconscious mind. If that's true, then just imagine what incredible creations we are—creative even while sleeping.

To add to the mystery of why we dream, I’d like to scribble down my thoughts.I believe that we are born free thinkers and die as free thinkers. No one can put chains on our thoughts. Our creator has given us the power of choice. It’s up to us to choose what we want in life. Even if we choose the wrong path, God has a way of helping us survive through the difficult times.

Maybe dreams are a gift from God—a way to let us see what could have happened had we made different choices. Or perhaps He simply wants us to smile during those few hours of sleep.

Here’s an interesting fact: our brain cannot create completely new faces. The people we see as superheroes or the girl/boy next door in our dreams may actually be the pizza delivery guy from yesterday or the supermarket employee busily tagging prices. The faces we dream of are often borrowed from real-life moments that barely registered in our conscious minds.I often wonder what happens to our dreams and thoughts after we die. Do they die with us? Or do we carry them into another life, somewhere else? Mysteries are beautiful—life being the greatest one, and death - a close second

Let’s dream. And let’s try not to control our dreams the way we try to control every other part of our so-called well-planned lives. Let that one part of life remain truly free. Let dreams give us hope, and take us to a parallel, unknown, yet beautiful world.

Dreaming-ly,
An.